Basic Marriage Principles

IMAGINE ME WITHOUT YOU by Jaci Velasquez

1 Timothy 4:12 “Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity.”

12 Basic Marriage Principles

You Need to Know

Overview

Today's statistics on marriage are a little scary. Current studies show that 47% of all marriages end in Divorce. Numbers are no different between those who do and do not attend church. Kenneth Conner, President of Family Life, says that most of the crime problems we have in America today stem from the breakdown of the traditional American family. People used to get married and stay married. Kids used to have one set of parents their whole life.

Today statistics show 1 in 3 children are born out of wedlock and more than half of the children in America do not have a loving mom and dad to share their life with. Nobody goes into marriage thinking that it will end in divorce. It's like buying a new car. They all look and smell good when you take your first ride. So what's the problem? The Bible said there would be days like this.

Marriage is a union of two imperfect people coming together in a fallen and sinful world, both with good and bad traits, habits, sins, selfish desires…….both like sheep…gone astray and wanting to be happy. Jesus says even though you will have trouble, take heart because there is a solution.

Most people do not know the basic principles God laid out for marriages to be successful. So what is that solution and how do we succeed?

12 basic principles that I believe will make or break a marriage. These principles are aimed at two totally different sets of people.

Those who have never been married
Those are married and feel like the honeymoon is definitely over.

In Mark 4:34 there is a very interesting verse in the Bible. It says: "But without a parable He (Jesus) did not speak to them. And when they were alone, He explained all things to His disciples." A parable is simply a word picture, analogy, or story that helps illustrate a principle. With this in mind I will use several analogies as I talk about the 12 principles below.

1. Listen to God.

This is a key concept for all the other principles that follow. If you were going to be a doctor, how would you prepare? You would LISTEN to the professor. You would spend time studying his or her instructions about what was involved in the human body. I am amazed at how many times I ask people if they are having a daily quiet time with God and I usually get one of two answers:

A. "Yes, I pray."(That's talking not listening) or B. "Yes I know I should but just don't do it all or the time."

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of your heart." If the desire of your heart is to have a happy marriage, perhaps you need to delight yourself in the Lord. How do you do that?

Proverbs 3:5-6 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

2. Listen to your Spouse.

You are taking your last course in college and you simply must pass to graduate. It's a big class. Where do you sit and what do you do? I would suggest that you would sit right in front of the professor and listen to him very intently, as you become a student of that subject with a goal in mind. That is the same intensity we try to train couples to use in their sharing time and we call it "Becoming a Student of your Spouse".

Oneness is not automatic, but the result of shared experiences both good and bad. Think about it……How did the two of you fall in love in the first place? Did you share with one another for hours upon hours? For some reason we (especially men) forget this after we get married. The men usually clam up and especially do not talk about the bad things in their life and the women spend the little bit of time they can get from their husbands talking about the kids, the problems around the house. That is NOT what we are talking about here. Just like spending time with God, you also have to set a time aside in your busy day to spend quality time with each other sharing the way you feel. I have to train couples to do this in my counseling, as it does not come naturally.

James 1:19 says: "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."

It is an act of love to listen with eye to eye contact to what your spouse is sharing with you. Now that you know it, you will be blessed if you do this. One more thing…..mostly to the guys. When someone shares, do not try and tell them that they should not feel that way and do not try and tell them what to do the next time such and such happens. Just look at them, repeat what they said, and acknowledge that you understand. That's all you need to do.

Sound easy? Try it. You will be amazed at how well it works if you can do it.

3. Learn How to Love Each Other.

Think of a fire that you start while camping. Falling in love was the spark that started your fire, but if you do not know how to continue to add fuel to your love fire it will go out just like that camp fire no matter how hot or big you get it. Most people do not really know what love is and many define love as a special feeling. True love is not a feeling but a decision to seek the welfare of the one whom is the object of your love. When the Jews asked Jesus what was the most important command was, He said it was to love God and love one another.

John 13:34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another."

So love is actually a command that we receive from Jesus. He loved us unselfishly and finally gave His life for us and He says that is the way we should love one another. Not always looking to be loved, but instead we are to love one another unselfishly as He loved us. So how do we do that? You need to learn what your spouse's love languages are.

There are five love languages that we talk about in our classes: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. Once you know which love languages works best for your spouse, you need to try and use their love languages on them and not your own which is what most of us do. Another way to show love is to serve!

4. Learn How to Serve Each Other in Secret.

Has your spouse ever served you in secret and then you found about it later? I always ask this trick question: When you serve your spouse do you serve to show them that you love them? That is what most of us do and it is the wrong motive. If you serve expecting a reward and then your spouse does not notice and you don't get a pat on the back, you usually end up getting your feelings hurt.

I believe that you should serve in secret and look to Jesus for your reward and not your spouse. When we serve in this way, we are not looking for any reward from our spouse as we are just doing what we are commanded to do.

Mark10:45 " For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

John 13:12-15 "So when He had washed their feet, taken His garments, and sat down again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you."

The key to serving is to understand that we are commanded to serve so that when we do serve our spouse it should not be to show THEM we love them but instead we serve in obedience to a command form God to show HIM we love them. Then HE rewards us beyond measure.

Try it.Spend a week as a secret servant.

5. Leave and Cleave.

Think of that happy "just married" couple waving to everyone as they pull off from the wedding headed for their honeymoon. They are leaving everyone so they can cleave to one another. The problem is that many couples do not really leave for good but just for honeymoon. There are 3 places in the Bible that God gives us very clear instructions about this.

Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

Matthew 19:4 "And He answered and said to them, Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female."

We are amazed to find couples that have been married for years and have still not "left". When you say "home" and mean your parents…..you haven't left. Home is with your spouse. This is a 3-step process that must be followed in order. First you leave, then you cleave, and then you can become one flesh. When you marry your spouse you need to leave your parents, your friends, your old hobbies and habits, activities and anything that keeps you from cleaving to one another. Nothing other than God should be more important than your spouse. Balance is the key to success here. We do not teach that you should not associate or spend time with your parents or friends. It is a matter of where you place your priorities.

Have you left "home" yet?

6. Role of Husband = Servant Leader/ Protector/ Provider.

Sometimes men do not understand what their role as a husband is. Sometimes wives do not allow their husbands to assume the role that God laid out for them. Either way the marriage suffers.

Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her"

In this same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Husbands are you doing that? You are responsible to protect your wife from the outside world, from impurity, from physical harm, and from anything that might damage your marriage. You are responsible to provide your wife with a safe place to live, a home that she can be comfortable in and raise a family in safety. You are responsible to work and supply the income needed for food, shelter, and clothing. You are responsible to protect your family from debt.

God is holding you accountable and expects you to do what you were designed for. You have the role of a quarterback in calling the plays, but you are to listen to God the coach who ultimately calls the play. You are also responsible to make sure your wife is talking the coach as many times God likes to send plays in with the wife.

7. Role of Wife = Helper/ Team Player/ Nurturer.

In every single place a wife is mentioned in the Bible, she is portrayed as a "helper". In Genesis 2:18 it says: "The Lord God said it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a HELPER suitable for him." A "helper" is one perfectly matched to make a team. Note that both players of this team are actively involved with the task at hand.

Ephesians 5:22-24: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

"Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord" Many women have a problem with this idea of submitting, but this is something between them and God. Husbands cannot make their wives submit, but if they love their wives the way God tells them to they should ALWAYS be looking out for the welfare of their wife and be willing to give their lives for them if necessary.

Your job as a wife is to allow the man to assume his role the way God intended him to and you are to come along side as a helper. If you decide that you want to lead instead of follow you will be going against God's plan for a happy marriage. We did not write the rules. If you disagree, you will have to take that up with the one who made the rule.

Please understand you are not to be a silent doormat or slave.

If steps 1 through 7 are being done correctly it should never be an issue.

8. Learn to Agree = Two people on the same team.

It is a fact that you will have disagreements and when you do there are only 3 possible solutions. Either one of you will have to change your mind and go to the other's side, or you will both have to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle. If neither of these work, then you need to agree to take some time to pray……..Call time out in the huddle and talk to the Coach (Jesus).

I always recommend that you read and even memorize 3 verses in Phillipians chapter 2 verses 2, 3, and 4 when you are having a disagreement. Verse 2 says, " be like-minded having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose." This means to remember you are on the same team so what are you fighting each other about? Verses 3 and 4 tell you that you should: "Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

If you examine your motives, you may find that you are being selfish and wanting your own way. I believe that it is not your way and not your spouse's way, but God's way that you need to seek. If you are in disagreement, you should both ask God what HE wants you to do and "lean NOT unto your own understanding".

Amos 3:3 "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?"

Work hard to agree and when you disagree, stop and examine your motives.

9. Develop a Positive Response to Anger = Think of a temperature gauge on a car.

What do you do when the temperature gauge shows hot? Would breaking the glass and grabbing the needle and pulling it back down work? Would we not have to stop the car and open the hood to try and determine the cause? When your spouse gets angry, be thankful for the information and work to find out what is wrong and deal with it. If anger is not dealt with, it will destroy a marriage.

Anger is the #1 barrier to communication and agreement. Here are some steps to take:

A. Confess your anger.

1John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. "

B. Restrain your response.

James 1:19 "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger."

C. Give up your right to be angry.

Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as in Christ God forgave you."

D. Replace anger with love and forgiveness. If you just remove the anger and then do not replace with love and forgiveness you will just play the same record over again later.

Phillipians 2: 1-7"Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men."

Remember you are on the same team and you should do NOTHING from selfishness. Is your anger caused by selfishness? Pray for each other.

Luke 6:27-28 "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you, Pray for those who mistreat you."

Ask forgiveness and kiss and make up.

10. Sex and Romance We don't know what it is, but when people get married they have a tendency to get so busy that they forget to keep the romance going. They forget to keep dating one another. Men are off trying to build their career and sometimes forget their first love. Women are busy with running the house, taking care of kids and sometimes working and forget to fix up and do the things they did before they were married to win the affection of their man.

Men, it is romantic to take the time and effort to plan a romantic evening just like you did when you were courting.

Ladies be ready for your husband when he comes home. Both of you need to take notice and actively love each other. Sex was created by God to bring pleasure to both of you.

Read Song of Solomon to each other and understand that God wants you to be sexual and romantic to each other. Wives do not deny sex to your husbands and cause them to sin. Keep your marriage bed pure at all costs.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Remember Jesus said: "A new command I give you: love one another." He didn't say if you have time or if you feel like it. He said do it and you will be blessed.

11. Pray for Each Other…….Satan is a roaring like a lion seeking to destroy your marriage.

You must both protect your marriage from affairs at all costs. Do not allow any private meetings with the opposite sex. Do not let yourself be drawn in to mental affairs in thought, pictures, or in the Internet. No private lunches with the opposite sex. Do not make even the slightest provision for an affair.

1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour."

The devil is cunning and will use every means at his disposal to try and break you up. It all started with Eve. The devil was cunning…..looked like no harm could be done….just a little bite. We see this all the time as a man and woman at work will just talk and try to help each other…..never planning on having an affair. You need to understand what you are dealing with and never give in to this type of temptation. The bible says that you should Flee the devil…..Flee any type of encounter with the opposite sex.

Think forward 15-20 years and picture yourself either alone in a retirement home or sitting on porch with the wife of your youth and 3 kids and 20 grand kids all around loving you. Is the future loneliness worth a short fling of self-indulgence? So pray for each other and hold each other accountable. Get a group of friends (same sex) to hold you accountable and pray with you.

12. Plan and make long-term goals with each other.

Think of what you want 10-20 years out and start making plans now on how you are going to get where you want to be. Plan your time. There is so little of it, but if you plan to use it wisely you will be blessed. Plan your money, finances, and career (more on that below). Plan your retirement. How will you fund it? Plan your diet and exercise. What good is growing old together if you are in poor health? Plan for romance. Plan date nights and weekend trips to get away…..just the two of you. Take an entire day at least every New Year and pray about what God would have you do.

Write out what He tells you and keep this in a journal so that each year you can see how He answers prayer. One of the verses we recommend you memorize is Jeremiah 33:3 which says: "Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and finally we would recommend you read the Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson if you have not already. Pray this prayer. God wants to bless you just like you want to bless your children…..not with material things but with blessings that are eternal in nature.